This morning when I was going over a treatment for a new music video I'm working on I was reminded of some childhood memories. When I was young like most kids I was asked in school what I wanted to be when I grew up, and at the time I said "I want to be a girl." When I was a little kid I was obsessed with girl toys, clothes, jewelry, and of course I wanted everything my sister had. The teacher would usually laugh at me because she said boys can't be girls, and because that wasn't an actual profession. I also used to ask my mother "is there such thing as someone who is neither a boy or a girl?" because I was raised to believe my desires to be like a girl were wrong, and feeling guilty about it because it would make my mom really mad when I expressed myself, and the kids at school made fun of me for talking like a girl. I didn't want to be a boy because boys couldn't have girl things. I had really hoped there was such a thing as someone who is neither a boy or a girl so I could escape that feeling I got when it felt like I was hurting my mother. Instead though I just did what I wanted when she wasn't around. I used to tell the little girls in my class I was a girl who just looked like a boy so that they would invite me to their houses to play dolls (and so I could wear their dress-up leotards with sequins), and when I was older I used to keep a collection of barbies at the home of a little girl I used to babysit so I could feel like I owned something I loved. These little escapades contributed to the theories I work with today, that boys can indeed be girls, because what is stopping them other than someone telling them "no."
I also became extremely reclusive as a child because I learned that you can be yourself when you're alone. When I was alone I could play dress-up, brush barbie dolls hair, and often I go back into that zone whenever I feel unaccepted by the people around me. I still sometimes spend hours going about stuff around the house in heels. The thing is though, I shouldn't still feel that way. We live in a time where "born this way" is a slogan.
Why do I still have these insecurities? The reason I think is that we still live in a world where a boy can't wear a dress, make-up, or high heels without being told he is cross-dressing. I don't like this, because if society has evolved enough to allow women to wear jeans and suits, it's time men enjoy the same freedom with their wardrobes. Men should have a choice if they want to wear skirts, paint their finger nails, and not be told they're doing something contrary to their gender, or that they can only do such if they're eccentric or rock stars. The thing is, we have gender, but we assign gender to objects as a society. A high heel isn't a girl, it's an inanimate object, so the only thing that really stops a boy from trying it on is his beliefs on clothes. The reality is there isn't any reason a boy can't wear high heels from a physical stand-point, it's psychological. This is my goal in life: I want to make it okay not only for myself, but for every boy who wishes to wear clothes and accessories meant for women to wear them without fear of judgement.
Some people have tried to tell me I'm doing drag, which is nonsense. The definition of drag is the impersonation of the opposite of one's physical gender. I do not believe I am impersonating a woman, I believe I am a woman. I also believe I am a man. That may sound confusing, but what I've come to understand is that we're all made up of different amounts of masculine and feminine qualities, and in that sense even though we may have physical gender, we're emotionally and psychologically of both genders. Study the teachings of Deepak Chopra if you desire more information on this theory.
I'm not an anomaly, I know that now. There are many men out there like me. Change though, starts from within, not only for myself, but for all of us. If we are to build a more peaceful society we need to face our own judgments about not only ourselves, but others as well. My mother is still learning; I still haven't brought her 100% over to my side because she was raised by a father who tried to control her by saying women were inferior to men, and I secretly think our disagreements are based on her own unconscious need to control the men who controlled her (raise your hand if your mom's no different lol). I encourage you to try this simple exercise, whenever you spot someone who looks different than you, and you have an urge to comment on them, judge them, ask yourself, "what is it that really bothers me about them?" Follow that with, "Is there a part of me or an experience I've had that they're reminding me of?" Sometimes the answers to these questions can be scary or painful, and sometimes a relief. But just know, the answers to why you are judging someone else are extremely powerful to your own self-growth. As they say, the truth will set you free ^_^.