Thursday, June 16, 2011

Living in lack

Hello Friends,
I have not written in a long time due to simply not being able to think of anything to write.  I know that sounds funny; surely though we all reach a period in our lives when we feel like we can't do something and need to step away from it.
This evening I felt inspired to write again.  You see, like many people out there I struggle with feeling whether things in my life are working out.  Most recently I have felt that way about my career.  I haven't had the best luck with people I've hired and had to let them go, and on top of that I've considered returning to some unconventional means for survival that have brought security just as much as insecurity in the past.  My heart has felt heavy and indecisive.  I even thought I could become Mr CSW Leather, when in truth I'm not the least into sadomasochism and feel uncomfortable in leather pants.  I could not have been more unfit for the role.  The reason I ran, because I was told the position has a lot of pr behind it and granted access to high-end gay events I could never attend simply as Sir JET, existing the way I am now.
You see, there are so many things I try out of struggle, out of stress, and out of bad, though well-intentioned, advice from friends and family that I often end up with nothing.  The reason though is not that I am stupid, it is rather, I'm afraid sometimes to trust my own gut and simply walk away from these people and offers.  I sometimes get so afraid to say "no" because I am so afraid if I don't try it I am going to regret it.  The truth is though, that should not be the case.  Never has a spiritual adviser said one should walk away from their gut feelings.  In fact, your very best guidance is always that which your intuition is telling you to do.
I went to the grocery store today.  I walk to my grocery store.  On my way there a man started following me.  He looked haggard and I assumed he was following me because he was going to ask me for money.  Instead he asked me if I worked out.  I said yes, smiled, and continued walking.  He followed me into the store and after I grabbed my cart and started on my way, he stopped me again and asked if I was into men.  Without even thinking about it I said no and started to move away.  He asked me for my name.  I told him my name, he told me his and held out his hand, but for some strange reason my hands stayed on my cart.  I smiled again and said "cheers," and walked away.  The thing is, I get hit on by various people of all genders and walks of life quite often; but for some reason the voice in my head was screaming for me to run.  I cannot say why, but there was something about that man and that situation that I just could not be cordial about.  That was the first time in my life someone held out their hand for me to shake and I didn't oblige.  I'll never know why I was so rude to that man; when we are overcome by fear we do strange things.
Why do I bring up these two unrelated things?  The reason is that I was thinking about these situations and about two hours ago it hit me: being in a state of unloving is what attracted all these circumstances.  When you neglect yourself, you attract people who don't like themselves and situations where you feel out of place because they feed off that need for attention you're giving off.  The solution: don't neglect yourself.  If you feel like things are going in the wrong direction, don't keep moving forward, take a moment to check yourself.  Ask yourself, "where am I now?" and "where do I want to be?"  If you're getting two different answers you're not aligned with your best interests.  I read a quote today that really inspired me, from Marianne Williamson via Arielle Ford: "the only thing that can be missing in any situation is that which you are not giving."  If you feel like something is lacking in your life, it may be because you're not giving to yourself and others in that area, may it be love, money, energy.  My best advice, be good to yourself and the ones you love, otherwise the lack of love you have for yourself is going to show up in many awkward ways in your life.

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