Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Welcoming Change

Welcome back everyone ^_^.  Yes, indeed this is the third time I have changed my blog url and title, but do not fret, the third time's the charm *_*.  The new title is the current project I am working on.  I'm writing an ebook about how to get in touch with your true self and find inner peace in this ever chaotic world.  I was inspired to write this book because of you.  I've been going through a lot of changes myself this past year, and I've watched my closest friends remain the same, and it's led me to wonder why some people change and why some always seem to repeat their lives again and again every year.  I myself have been living in sort of safe pattern of things for a few years and it was not until everything started going to crap did I realize my world was changing, and I needed to change with it.

I was talking to my mother on the phone yesterday and I mentioned to her that she needed to visualize a better world for herself, that a lot of her anxiety came from the fact that she was looking at circumstances and focusing on the problem.  I asked her to describe the ideal situation, and at that point she had had it.  She burst out yelling at me, saying that she could sit there and think about good things all day long but there was no practicality in that, that wanting a better situation was not going to change anything, that what was needed was simple responsibility on my part.  As she said these words the voice in my head said to me, "you can't help someone who doesn't believe in your belief."

I realized we were not on the same wavelength, and instead of giving her what she wanted (which was an argument, my mother's go to paradigm when she's stressed out) I simply just let her talk (although I was also going to my same paradigm of falling silent when someone tries to start a fight with me, so I was no better).  The thing is, you can't change another's perspective.  Neither of us at the moment were recognizing the validity of the other's argument, but I did indeed learn at that moment that no matter how much spiritual work I had been doing to help my own self, I could not use that work to help her if she didn't want that help.  She also could not help me become irritated and worried about the situation like she was, so I was equally resisting her help; on some level we both were aware the other's help was not welcome.  We left it at that, but what I think is important in this example is how even though both arguments could have been validated in our minds, each argument was flawed in the mind of the other.

Being right is subjective, the right answer for each person is based upon what s/he holds as priority.  Sometimes this takes a little bit of compromise if the relationship is close.  Other times, like this one, distance has its advantages.  If someone wants to change your perspective on something, his/her argument is only as effective as your ability to be willing to change your own point of view.  And if your old view is now no less incorrect for you than his/her argument, then certainly there is a third option, this option is the form change presents itself in.

In this case the third option was simply I have to respect that the people around me don't want to change in the way they see the world even if I do.  It doesn't make me any better than that person, but it does make me feel better; it's like letting go of a heavy dumbell.  Realizing you're changing while someone really close to you stays the same and being okay with that is a step in the right direction, for you relieve yourself of the challenge by letting it go.  Having power over others is tough, but having power over your own thoughts and actions is just about the easiest thing anyone can do.

1 comment:

  1. Actually, if she believes in the validity of the scientific method, then she is pretty much wrong. There more and more studies being published that demonstrate that focusing on the problem (vs visualizing a solution) keeps one stuck longer. It comes down to relatively simple brain science. There are many proven techniques that stress taking one's focus of "problem thinking." Even if it's just taking a break to have a healthy laugh or talk to a positive friend.

    My mom used to be like this, I'm sorry there is still a disconnect for you. Maybe sending her articles and studies that demonstrate what you're trying to convey will help. Maybe not. Like you were saying, some people aren't ready to see that there are other or even better ways. I think that's when good boundaries come in -- letting them know in a kind way that if they're ever interested you have some potentially helpful new data/ ideas that you would invite them to consider.

    In the [strugg...] ENDEAVOR together,