Friday, March 25, 2011

Playing with dolls

Some of my dearest friends know little things about me that noone else does.  One of those quirky things is that I used to be obsessed with dolls.  I became wrapped up in the world of Japanese anime and fashion dolls from 2007-2009.  I was living with my parents and had become rather depressed.  Depression can sometimes lead us to become obsessed with things we wouldn't normally consider.  During the time that I was working on the release of "I'll Keep Smiling," and "Embracing the Light... and then some," I had to deal with a lot of demons.  I was writing songs about breaking free of old habits and embracing the joy that is the future that could be, but the emotions I was experiencing were those of rejection.  I was having my music that I had worked so hard on reviewed by critics at newspapers and record executives, and they were both saying the same thing: the music was poorly produced and the songs lacked any real emotion.  It was as if to say I didn't do a good job.  The truth was simply I didn't work with the right person on the project.  The music he created was great in his eye but terrible in others, and I felt caught in the middle.  I didn't know if it was my fault for working with someone who wasn't aware of his less than perfect production skills, or if the majority of people giving me feedback were wrong, or if I was not a good singer on the whole.

Instead of trying to find the answers to these questions I hid my troubles in the fantasies of my teenage desires.  I went into my comfort zone of dolls and cartoons.  I would spend hours on ebay and rinkya trying to find perfect custom outfits and the perfect dolls to make-over.  I would research how to repaint doll faces and reroot heads.  I spent thousands of dollars on this obsession and it pretty much took over my life.  I sometimes spent entire nights rerooting doll heads.  I wasn't alone though.  I had my dog and endless bags of chips to keep me company.  And it was ridiculous.  I continued to promote the music, continued to hire publicists to get me exposure, and continued to pay a booking agent thousands of dollars to get me gigs in nowhere places.

I was basically trying to move forward with my life while holding on to old obsessions.  Because I felt like a failure everything I invested my money and time in was failing too.  My mother once told me I turn to dolls because I need something I can physically grasp that I can control, because in general my life is usually quite chaotic.  And she was right.  We in general cling to the things we feel we have control over and obsess about them until it's all we can focus on.

I finally broke away from the dolls when I moved out of my parent's house.  It was a smart move because I was leaving that which was encouraging me to sit still in a life that was not too lively.  I've slowly been able to move forward in my life in little steps at a time.  Since leaving my old obsession I've gotten the courage to take acting lessons, go to hollywood parties, and live in a city I was terrified of for years prior to moving to it.  If you are experiencing something stressful, the last thing you should do is revert back to an old habit.  The deeper you go into something you know is not beneficial to you and the people around you, the harder it's going to be for you to move on with your life.

I encourage you to think about what it is you're doing right now that might be preventing you from moving forward with your life.  If it's a bad thing, take one day at a time to move out of it.  Rome wasn't built in a day and neither should a new life be.  The more time you take to understand what you're doing so you can let go of it, the more you're going to learn from the process.  Amen.


  1. Oh...I didn't realize there was an actual post beneath your hawt pic. I just keep my eyes glued to that pic. Then I realized there was a post!

    Okay, great post. Amazing how we become complacent within our own comfort zones. It's a great feeling to break away from those chains and leave the weight behind. I was in a similar situation. I ate my way out of this world. I snapped out of it and started living again. Happy to say I've lost 56 pounds and have completed two half marathons. I no longer take Life or moments for granted. Congrats to you! Thanks for sharing. So many of your fans may see themselves within your words and thoughts. Blessings!

  2. Wow, two marathons, that's great! Thanks for sharing ^_^